How about someone creates a daily affirmation for mothers who think they are slowly losing their minds? Something like "I'm good enough. I'm smart enough and dog gone it, my two year old is not possessed by the devil!"
April appeared to be a tough month for mommy bloggers all over the place. Binkytown was no exception.
This morning I was driving to work and thinking I just want to be someone else today. Just for today. Someone who doesn't have to listen to their son scream because the poodle's ear hair is minutely touching his pant leg. Someone who doesn't have to chase their toddler down to put his jacket on when they are already running fifteen minutes late. Someone who doesn't have to walk away from their dinner three, four, five, six times because the said toddler is ramming his toy lawn mower into the freshly painted walls with all of his might. And laughing harder with each time out. Someone who doesn't have to bargain like a merchant in the desert in that scene of The English Patient each time a diaper needs to be changed.
See how I tried to divert my pain with a reference to Ralph Feinnes (pronounced Ray, thank you very much) of the nicely toned calves and Harry Potter no-nose fame? It doesn't work. I still want to be someone else today. Tomorrow I might feel the opposite. It's a crap shoot.
So I'm thinking about writing about this. Who do I want to be today? Madonna? Yeah, maybe, she's got kids but they are older. Do I want to be the barrista at the coffee shop with the hip bangs and nothing better to do after work than take a nap or go somewhere to sit outside and have a beer? Definitely. Just today, mind you. Not forever, that would be boring. I have been that girl and when I was her I wanted to be me. Hows that for irony? Maybe I could try being a dad for a day. I wonder what that's like?
I'm still pondering and reading other blogs. Uh oh. This one talks about being bored with the cynicism and sarcasm and feeling bad about feeling good as a parent. Oh shit, I think. Is she right? Should I not write about this?
I work in an office and spend my days with people I don't know very well. Certainly not well enough to respond in honesty and a dash of sarcasm when they comment on how cute my son is and say yeah, well, he is cute, but some days I feel like I'm serving a prison sentence by being his mother. Albeit a prison sentence with better food and a more comfortable bed. Because some days that's how I feel and I assure you, they will not get it. They won't appreciate it for what it is, a feeling that drops in and lingers but then magically disappears in an instant and a flash of a toddler smile.
This is where I need to put it. I do think I'm a good mom, most of the time and I don't have a hard time saying it, I just don't need to talk about it in the same way that I do the emotions that don't feel quite as satisfying. I hope that's not boring. That's who I am.
