I'm struggling. I feel as though talking about it will jinx myself. Not talking about it is trying to control every little thing. Which I don't do anymore.
I am not pregnant. That's what I don't want to talk about, not being pregnant. Because not being pregnant is a non-issue. Like not being hungry. Why would anyone need to discuss that?
Step one, decide you want to be pregnant.
Step two, get pregnant.
This is how it worked for me, for us, last time. The last two times, actually. It was not hard. So when we threw caution to the wind last month, I kind of thought in that little place in the back of my mind that even though we didn't officially try, I'd get pregnant. Voila!
I am not, and that's PERFECTLY FINE but it's so much work to be perfectly fine with whatever comes my way (or doesn't) that I feel the need to say I'm perfectly fine and that seems kind of crazy, because if I were perfectly fine, I shouldn't feel the need to say anything at all.
Pregnancy number one didn't end well. I spent all of pregnancy number two worried, REALLY REALLY worried. Totally unable to relax and surrender the fact that I could not control what was happening. I was the same for probably the first 12 months of my child's life as well. Anxious, nervous, afraid. It was exhausting and unproductive and I don't want to repeat that cycle again.
If I'm serious about not wanting to be stressed when I'm pregnant than I need to not be stressed about getting pregnant. I'm really not, number two is a very different goal when you have a perfect, beautiful number one shaking his hips in front of the television. (Is that a bad thing?). But bad habits are easy to repeat.
Last night I found myself irritated that my ovulation kit came back negative on day six. I waited for the line to turn pink, willing it to do so with my mental prowess. I couldn't. Because no matter what, I had to remind myself that miss ovary one and miss ovary two will do what they want, thank you very much.
And I did. I didn't agonize over the stick. I didn't do another one, just in case that one was wrong. I didn't wait and check again. Then again. Then once more to be sure.
I tossed it.
(But I'll be doing another one tonight. That doesn't make me crazy. It says I should right on the box. Just because I can't tell the O twins what to do doesn't mean I can't check up on them from time to time.)
