As I tossed and turned in my son's twin sized bed last night, he grated his pacifier against the wall over and over and over again and I physically had to restrain myself from grabbing it and flushing it down the toilet at two thirty in the morning (which really, is not a good idea for anyone involved who wants to sleep before actually getting up and going to work, which is kind of required around here.) Hissing STOP IT and snatching it from his little hands I had a realization.
Not a good realization either- you know how your mind wanders in the middle of the night when it should be resting and it starts to connect all the dots that you have sort of been avoiding in the light of day?
I have made a wrong turn somewhere. I have gotten off track. I see the big green exit sign and the arrow pointing towards PROGRESS but I must be fiddling with the radio and not paying attention.
My son is about to turn three.
He is not potty trained.
He has two binkys that are never more than six inches away from him at all times, except when he is at school and then they are packed in the front zipper pocket of his Diego backpack, providing transferable comfort from the knowledge that they are there.
Not only does he not eat more than six foods, but that number used to be more like ten and has reverted backwards, despite my best efforts in reintroducing new things again and again and again and AGAIN with no success.
He is not sleeping. I have tried no naps and I have tried greatly reduced mini naps, both to no avail. Last night he was awake between 1:30AM and 5AM and no amount of coaxing could lull him back to sleep. He does not make a fuss, he tosses and turns and talks and calls for me and I can not sleep when I know he is awake.
I am very well aware of all of these things and think about them in various combinations every single day but the cold, long, dark night strung them together for me like a constellation of stars, only not at all beautiful.
I don't want to do a-woe-is-me-I-feel-like-shit rant here even though, wow, do I ever. I don't have anything new to say about the fact that there is nothing that compares to feeling like you are not doing the right thing for your child and how that primal emotion is a serious motivator but holy shit, I still want to throw my hands up and say hold the show! I feel like this caught me off guard. I didn't do this on purpose. Doesn't that count for something? I don't have a map that says its time to move from basic needs to developmental leaps and the time is NOW.
Obviously I need a plan and the plan I do have has made me realize I have planned badly.
For the past few weeks I have been telling the little man that after Christmas he is moving up a room in day care. Salamanders don't have binkys! I keep reminding him The binkys will have to go away! (To which he answers NO).
I have also been toying with the idea of potty training but there is not a single weekend in December that we don't have plans either as a family or apart. Since that is not conducive to PT we decided to start right after the holidays. Which coincides with the timing of making him give up the binkys. Something tells me this is a bad idea.
His three year wellness check will be in late January. The Ped we see right now has blown off my concerns about his eating habits more than once so I'm thinking of switching to another doctor in the practice. I believe he has some mild sensory issues and is impacted by food (because I know I do and see the same things in him) and there has to be some help for strong flavor/texture aversion having kids besides the letting them go hungry and when they get hungry enough they will eat it mindset. If Doc number two is no help, I'll find another.
This is the map but I know there are bound to be blown back tires and radiator leaks and at least several detours. I could really use some directions if anyone has any to spare.
(And with the combination of a new day care room, potty training and binky cold turkey-ing I think sleep is a moot fucking point, so no strategy on how to tackle that one as of yet).
