I knew he was a boy. For awhile I thought I was convincing myself it was true, because that was what I wanted, but as each day passed I became more aware, in every fiber, every twitch, this baby was a boy.
I remember, before being there myself, hearing of friends and acquaintances having baby boys and thinking how....odd. To give birth to a male, something completely unlike yourself, to create a body that doesn't model your own, that will grow to be taller, broader, completely different than the soft curves it came from. It seemed well, foreign to me. I wondered how it was possible and what that must feel like.
When my husband and I bought our last house, I saw a baby everywhere. That's when I knew it was time. I saw a baby bathtub perched in the sink, I saw a nursery in the study. I saw ghost images, the presence where it wasn't. It was a nameless, faceless child, but I knew it was meant to be. When my time came I suddenly realized it wasn't so strange at all, to want a boy. I wanted a boy. Deeply, in the place without logic. I didn't want to have a girl. I still don't.
What will I do if I have a girl? I ask myself that almost every day, not feeling the strong instinct that I did the last time. I know I would love, could love, a girl child, but I have always pictured myself as a mother of sons. This second time around I imagine the faces of a girl running beside or a boy dressed in his hand me down winter coat and hat from last season. I don't have a strong sense of what it will be.
But I know what I want. I want my son to have a brother, someone to get in trouble with and share cars with (oh the things I know about cars now!) and to wrestle to the ground. Someone who will speak his language and know the things I can't and probably don't want to know. I want this for both of us.
I'll find out in just short of two weeks from now what this baby will be. Second to knowing that it is healthy (which I assume it is because I can not bear to imagine any other alternative) I can't wait to meet him or her. But I hope him. I've waited a long time to have children so I feel like it's asking enough for two healthy children, but if I could ask one more thing, I would ask for another boy.
GOOD LUCK AND BEST WISHES JULIE!
