It's strange having two children of the same sex and preparing to dress up the side kick in clothes the little man wore. I thought I had everything covered with hand me downs. But what I didn't expect was the very visceral reaction I had pulling out baskets of the little man's clothes in preparation for this child. The pajamas especially.
I don't know why but I haven't been able to dress the baby in them. They belong to my first born. They are so him and holding them in my hands brings back everything, the smell of diaper creme and our old house. I swear I can even smell the hand sanitizer they used in the hospital when I pick them up.
I remember how it felt, during those days when I would cry when my husband left to go to work full of fear at spending an entire day alone with a baby. I was so afraid of the unknown that surrounded me. I can sense the cold, it being the middle of winter, when it was dark out more often than it was light. It's been the other way around this summer, my having to draw the shades to keep the hot sunlight out.
It may seem crazy but it doesn't seem right to put his brothers pajamas on this new person. He is still in the process of showing us who he is. He deserves to be his own baby since I am very well aware he won't be a baby very long. Now that he has started school he will change in little increments that I might not observe minute by minute, but will see wholey when I hold him at the end of the day. I will watch to see if his fingers are a little longer, his hair a little darker or his smile more brilliant.
Because this one smiles. He is the summer to his brothers winter. He sleeps. He chills. He coos and talks. He holds every leaf overhead in his gaze when out walking. He sits next to me and will play with my fingers or tap me with his toes while asking for nothing in return.
I packed his locker this morning with the same blanket his brother had. Filled the same bottles. He has a new coat but the same hat his brother wore. Despite being born in opposite corners in a climate of extremes, one winter and one summer, some of the fall and spring overlap and meet in the middle.
Hopefully, as will my boys.
Finn May, 2005
Rowan September, 2008
(Photo of Rowan courtesy of Courtney Fisk, Elle Photography)
